5 months update, relationship lesson and how to not upset your girlfriend

It's so funny how every time I return to blog it's because something big has happened. Yo guess what? Something big has happened. Actually several big things... Over the past 5 months since my last post, I passed my oral pharmacy exams, got a boyfriend, interviewed for over 11 hospitals in Queensland, sent my pharmacy registration off to AHPRA, finished my internship at The Tweed Hospital, travelled overseas to Vietnam, moved back home to Melbourne, brought a boy home to meet my parents for the first time, then went through a break up 2 weeks after. So yes, your home gurl is single once again.

Relationship lesson:

I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be in a relationship for that long. 10 months is the record and even then, half of that time I was immersed in self doubt and we pretty much lived in different states and hardly ever saw each other. I really admire anyone who is or has been in a relationship that has lasted longer than a year. I really admire and and happy that you have found someone that you can love for that long. Something always seems to go wrong for me when it comes to relationships. Every single relationship has always ended up being long distance and we've always broken up because of the distance. Either that or I end up figuring out that we are incompatible because we have different goals, different values, different morals or I simply end up falling out of love with them because they don't put any effort into the relationship.

 For me relationship is something that I really cherish and wish to only be in if I believe that there is potential for a future together. I'm in it for the long run. I want to have kids with this person. He needs to be 'the one'. I don't want to be wasting my time and emotions with someone who has no intentions of wanting to walk you down the aisle one day. Because I'm a very emotional and sensitive person. Loving someone takes a massive chunk out of my energy, priorities and head space. So I reserve it only when I find someone deserving of it. I also cry a lot because I get frustrated when things do go as planned. I cry when someone who I love and care about lets me down. Lately, I've been waking up with puffy eyes every morning because I never thought that the time would come for me to let someone whom I love go again because things didn't go as planned. To cut it short, we pretty much broke up because neither of us are willing to move interstate to be with each other. We both had job and family commitments which neither or us were willing to give up and that pretty much has a greater priority than being with each other. So we decided rather than to keep doing long distance, that it would be best to end things sooner since we know we'll never be together. 

It's sad because it's a part of life. Sometimes you meet the perfect person at the wrong time. Are they really perfect? Or is it just Fate's way of telling you that they are not perfect for you? Because people seem perfect when you are blinded by love or infatuation. During the early months together, I guess you really don't know the person just yet. Only the fact that they are always on their best behaviour when they are out with you on a date or around you. Making them seem like the perfect guy. It's only once you really get to know them, or if you're around them 24/7 that you really see the person that they are. In my case, I think travelling with him kind of unearthed the person he is. And to be honest, he turned out to be a bit selfish, stubborn, disorganised and unenthusiastic. It made me realise that our personalities really clashed. I was quite sad for a bit of the trip but I am glad that I found out about these traits of him sooner than later.

Travelling together in a relationship is a great way of finding out if you guys are suited for each other. And I don't mean travelling interstate but travelling overseas. Because travelling overseas, you are stressed, you are pushed to think, you have to organise and handle problems and issues. You get to see how guys cooperate or not cooperate when things go wrong. It's the same as marriage life. When things go wrong you cooperate and try to work things out. And if you guys end up tearing each other to bits or balling your eyes out on an overseas holiday, it is a clear indication of how your marriage life would be if you end up marrying this person. So the lesson I learnt from this is: Go on an overseas holiday together when you are dating someone. To put your relationship to the strongest test, go to a country where you both don't know the language. If you enjoyed it despite being stressful, you should marry the guy. 

How to not upset your girlfriend:

This year was the first year for me to not be single on Valentines Day. Every year I always wished that one Valentines Day, I'd have someone to think of to spoil and to be spoilt in return. In my case though, he lived interstate so it was hard. Three days before Valentines Day, I ordered a customised box of Krispy Kreme donuts and paid extra for morning delivery with a poem to be delivered to his doorstep on Valentines day. On Valentines day I got a reply of happy Valentines Day and sorry I forgot to get to you something. All the florist websites I checked are sold out. I'll make it up next occasion. This was after I messaged him Happy Valentines day. He promised to call later that night. I and received no phone call at all because he was out with his family. I cried myself to sleep that night because even though I say it's ok, it's not ok. This is my first Valentines Day with someone and I didn't get a single thing. And scrolling through Instagram and Facebook didn't help either because all my friends were spoilt with gifts and flowers on Valentines Day where as my guy couldn't even give me a bloody phone call. It was shit and I was so upset. One of the many reasons why we are not together. I am a huge romantic and I need a guy to romance my ass off and spoil me.

One of the many reasons why we are not together...

A door to a new journey

I am excited that this isn't the end of the road. It's only the beginning. A lifetime of learning is a life well spent. Then again, I do have an entire lifetime to work. So why not learn as much as we can while we stil can? There is no rush to work because work will always be there. Your brain won't though and the opportunity to learn won't always be there either. Let's seize the day. It's exciting to hear that there are options out for me and this isn't the end. Let's add another profession to my qualification 👊🏼

You're gonna be a pharmacist/dentist gurlllll!!

Deleting photos after a break up

I can't bring myself to delete photos after a break up. It was hard for me to go through my Instagram and clean things up but going through them is like a trip down memory lane and made me realise just how happy I have been the past 3 months. I was so happy. I was in love. I was blinded by love that I failed to see the signs of what was to come. But the thing was there was no signs. It just happened out of the blue and that's what hurts me the most. There was no sign. There was no explaination. Everything just went poof and I'm left wondering why. It's the why that kills me. Am I not even worthy of an explanation of why you suddenly decided to completely remove me out of your life? You pulled a disappearing act on me and almost made me question my self worth. I am left wondering why? What did I do wrong? Am I not pretty enough? Not smart enough? What am I lacking? I feel angry because it's like the past 3 months meant nothing to you. I'm not the type to hold grudges. Grudges just makes you a bitter person. I just talk myself into believing that sometimes, you just gotta let things go. It hurts though because I really loved him. It really hurts but I need to be strong. I don't think I'm gonna delete the photos from my phone though. Old photos make me smile because it takes me back to how I was feeling right at the moment, the photo was taken. And I was always happy every time I took a photo of us . Looking back at it makes me realise that even though we're not together now, at least we got to spend an amazing 2 months together being high on love before things came crumbling down. Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. Doesn't mean that I forgive you though. You're still an asshole. But there was a time when you made me the happiest girl.

I'm single again

I think I'm happier not being in a relationship than being in a relationship. I have the tendency to love too hard, to care too much that I always end up hurting myself. I'm not going to lower my standards for anyone or make excuses for you anymore. Being with you is making me more sad than it is making me happy. To be honest, it been all sadness ever since you left town. If it was meant to be it would be. It obviously was not meant to be. What you did though is so fucken coward and immature. What you did is so low. I did not make you out to be that kind of person. You've made me a slightly more bitter person when it comes to love.

I guess it's time for me to focus on me again. Let's aim for the stars and nothing but the stars and forget about boys for a while.

I'd like to buy a ute

I was admiring cars on my drive to work this morning. Since high school I've always wanted a Volkswagen bug, but this morning I came across a gorgeous car which turned out to be a red Mini Cooper. I was thinking damn, I think my next goal is to invest in a Mini Cooper. But then I realised that I had to pay off the house and that the dream of owning a new car is miles away. I realised Dad never bought himself a new car and always invested all his hard earned money into my brother and I and was always investing his money into houses to try and make more money for the family. Throughout my whole life, I realised my parents have never bought anything for themselves and that everything they saved or invested was always for me and brother. That's why I am content that before I buy myself a new car, I must buy my parents a new car first before I buy one for myself. Throughout their whole lives, they've always put my brother and I ahead of themselves I never see them spend anything on themselves or buy any luxuries for themselves. So I packed my dream of owning a Mini Cooper into a box and packed it into the basement of my brain and promised to not take it out again until the fulfillment of repaying the love of parents was done before I treat myself to anything else.

Then the thought of owning something more achievable and realistic came to my head. This might sound a bit odd but I'd love love to buy myself a ute. Despite Utes being a manly drive it means I'd be able to take my bike with me wherever I'd like and not have to take it apart. It'd also mean that I can easily transport things like kayaks and canoes around if I was to ever own one. Trust me, after living in Tweed Heads for the past 7 months, one of my goals is to spend a paycheck on a canoe or a kayak just so I can go rowing down the river or lake on weekends. Then let it float in the middle of nowhere and relax with a book and let the tides gently carry me along. Also, it has always been a dream of mine to go camping and stargazing during summer. With a ute, I can use the back of the ute and fill it with pillows and blankets and to go stargazing in the middle of nowhere during summer and fall asleep under the stars. It's something I'd really like to do and experience in life. I love stars and the thought of being able to fall asleep under a blanket of them is like a dream come true. I'd really like to do that one day. Maybe at the end of this year. It would be a dream come true. My life would seriously be complete and I can die happy.

I am so over intern year. I have never been so sick of routine and work and bloody discussion boards. I am exhausted and tired. I am in desperate need of some time off to just relax. I am physically and mentally exhausted but I know that I can't afford to rest for the next 2 months since exams are coming up. I have to go full steam ahead. Not to mention I have to work all day this Saturday too. Meaning I only get a one day weekend. I can do this. Hang in there. If you can survive this you can survive anything girl. It's only gonna make you stronger 💪🏻

More than halfway

I'm more than halfway into my internship and the finish line is in sight. I just hope that I can study hard enough these final 6 weeks to get me through my exams. I still have so many things to memorise and I am starting to feel a bit panic-ky but it's the panic that pushes you to your limits right? It's full steam ahead on the study train now!

A lot as happened these past 7 months. I have learnt so much this year from not only how to adult, pharmacy knowledge but also learning about myself and watching myself grow. I had some drama in the middle of the year in that made me realise that my housemate was a total creep and I had to move out asap. My life was a bit hectic for a few days but now I am living in a little granny flat, high above the hills where you can look out and see the entire town and up at the skies at night and see all the stars because there is no light pollution in the suburb I am living in. Moving out and getting an entire place all to myself is one of the best decisions I've made.

Speaking of best decisions, I've also made another one and that is to get my exercise regimen back into routine. I've been alternating different weeks between going to the gym, doing weights, going to group fitness classes to running around the block and now running at the beach every morning before work. Exercise keeps me sane, happy and fit and helps me a lot with my mood.

One of the biggest challenges I've faced when moving here is loneliness. It's hard moving to a town where you have no family or friends and loneliness is inevitable. But I find that calling family and reaching out to friends when you need them is kinda making me feel a little bit better.

I did meet someone special in May 20th this year, and he is now my boyfriend. The 2 months that i've got to spend with Oliver was absolutely amazing.  Like an extract out of a novel or movie. He's tall, handsome, kind, caring and has the most gorgeous smile. We spent every weekend together for 2 months but then he moved to Newcastle because of his job and now we're maintaining a long distance relationship. It's hard for me though because he's detached from his phone where as I am on it 24/7. Sometimes getting replies from him is a pain. Video calling however is pretty enjoyable. But still I miss him greatly and hope that one day we'll be living in the same city. For some reason, I've always been in long distance relationships. It really sucks. But at the same time, I guess it means I get things done. Because if Oliver was here, he'd be getting things undone...and I would not be productive at all. I would not be going to the gym, baking or learning new songs on the piano because I'd be busy spending every moment I have free with Oliver. So I guess it's a win-win situation? Still pretty frustrating at the same time because there has been so many moments where I really needed a hug or just want to hug him that I couldn't. The fact that he checks his phone like every 12 hours does not help either. I usually don't get a reply until really late which is kinda sad. But I guess the good thing is I can direct all my energy and time into studying because exams are just a few weeks away.

My stomach has been hurting and very uncomfortable the past 2 days. I keep getting the runs and I think it's just from eating bad food that I've had in my fridge for too long and not realising that it's bad until my stomach hurts like crazy. I hope I'll be ok. My stomach is hurting again right now....ughh...I'll be ok I think. If I get the runs again tomorrow, I'm gonna make myself some congee. Because I'm worried that this is putting too much stress on my body.

Time to do 20 minutes of studying now before I go to bed. Signing off now.

Bye! xo

Happy Valentines Day

Hey guys, it's been a while since I've blogged. I remember being a hardcore blogger back in high school and peaking in year 10 because I was really into cooking and always posted about dishes and foods I used to make. Seven years, later and I'm still the same girl who loves to write about her thoughts and emotions on the world wide web for strangers to read.

It's February the 14th again and I'm once again single, as I have always been every Valentines day for the past 23 years. Though I always joke that I am a black independent woman who needs no man, it does get pretty lonely at times. Especially when you see other girls at work getting chocolates, flowers and gifts sent to them from their partner on Valentines day. I can't help but feel left out and wonder when I would be able to spend Valentines day with someone special.

A lot of people say Valentines Day is just a marketing scheme, love is overrated, and everything but that's probably because they've had a shitty experience with it. I love everything about romance. Maybe because I watch too much movies and dramas, but seriously, I love Love. I love the thought of it, the way it causes your body to release endorphins and dopamine, the way it takes over your heart and how it just makes everything seem so much prettier. I also love everything about flowers, chocolates, giant bears and getting surprise or random gifts. 

I also remember back in high school, whenever Valentines Day came around, all the pretty and popular girls would be walking around holding roses and flowers they've received from boys. I always secretly wished someone would give me a rose too. I always felt that no guy ever liked me. I was a big nerd back in high school. I had hair that was untamed and was always kept in a ponytail, metal rectangular glasses, metal braces, bad complexion and was not the prettiest thing to look at. Sort of felt like ugly betty and my self esteem was pretty much non existent. I was invisible to every boy. I always studied hard and got really good grades. My dream of receiving a rose on Valentines day back then was something that would only ever happen in my dreams. High school is a shallow stage of life and my memory of it is something I don't often like to look back upon. 

But now I've had that magical transformation where I evolved form an ugly duckling to a beautiful swan. My communication skills with boys have somewhat improved and my self esteem has blossomed because I was involved in so many student union committees and clubs back in uni. The only issue now is finding the right guy. I think this is the hardest of all because I don't want to settle for less but my job doesn't really allow me to meet that many new people. 

But the good things is I feel that I'm at a point in my life where I'm just really content about everything. I feel like I'm living in the moment, breathing in the air, enjoying the view, laughing at something in front of me, appreciating what's really there instead of living with my heads in the clouds. 

Moving to Tweed Heads has been one of the best decisions I've ever made. I've grown so much over the past month. I've learnt some important lessons such as to always clean up after yourself, to clean your room every week, to always ensure you lock the doors with the keys outside, and to do my own laundry, cook for myself and meal prep every weekend. I feel like I've grown so much and I honestly can't wait learn so much more.

At the hospital, my work is pretty straight forward. I just dispense medications but I come across a lot of new medications everyday and it really expands my knowledge and understanding of the things I learnt in community pharmacy. 

I'm pretty tired now so I'm gonna go to sleep. Good night. Talk more tomorrow xx

How to feel good instantly

You are one person in a world consisting of 7 000 000 000 people.in melboure, Australia, southern hemisphere of planet earth, in the entire Milky Way galaxy. There is so much more out there. University and work is just a fraction of what existence truly is. There is no reason to feel sad about anything. Bad hair? who gives a fuck. Forgot a bag of oranges? Go buy a new one. I feel that we stress over the smallest things, when in reality it is no big deal. What is the purpose of this life? To stress over something that isn't important or to live your life to the fullest? Life is too short. Don't let yourself be confused by money and blinded and brainwashed by those of you who are. Why the fuck would you want to spend $1000 on a bag. Use that money for something fucking better. There are people struggling to feed their families in third world countries. How can people be so fucking selfing and splurge useless lavish junk while people are dying of starvation. Social media- brain wash. Music- brain wash. Money- brain wash. Life, what is the meaning of life. Have we built a wall around ourselves because of all these artificial human creations and we live in a hypothetical world that is blinding us from what life is truly about. Yes family, is important, yes friends are important. I think love is the only thing I know is real. Or is love actually fake and something we've been brainwashed to know, feel, desire and find comfort in because it's the way the media, stories and movies portray it? What does love do for us anyway? Love is like a religion. It makes us do things. Makes us assume things, determines the way we live our life and we revolve so much of our life around it. Without love, people would have no passion, no motivation. We'd be animals in that case. Animals don't love, they have instincts. Surviving on instincts purely would make us animals. I guess that is what distinguishes humans from animals. Out ability to feel emotions, to do things out of emotions. humans are weird like that. Music, movies, work, life, job, family, love, money. What do they all do? They make us feel things and what's what makes us human. I think it's the essence of live. We live to feel. To experience, the senses, to enjoy. The fact that we are able to choose, plan, and act upon out thoughts and feelings, do things in order to feel things, that's what fuels our every day life. Work to get rich. Rich to buy things. Buy things to spend, use and feel temporary happiness. Have a family to feel completed, accomplished. Study to learn, to climb the social ladder, to improve one's knowledge to feel proud, smart and worthy of living a productive life. In the end, why do we do what we do? it is to feel emotions. We watch movies to feel feelings. We socialise with others to share and create feelings. Life is beautiful because of feelings. It can also be God awful if the feelings you experience are unpleasant ones. It has the possibly to lead to self destruction. Feelings are powerful. It is the essence of life. Am I right?

50 shades of grey opinion

I just finished watching 50 shades of grey. I don't like it because there was no romance in the movie. Just like the girl in the movie, I am a sucker for romance. I am romantic. When there is no romance involved, I don't like it and think it's pretty much pointless. I think the main character is really stupid because she is giving up her body just like a prostitute. She's blinded by his good looks and his money that she fails to see that Christian Grey is a sex addict psychopath despite his wealth, fortune and business empire. She is a young, stupid and naive girl who acted upon her lust for a handsome guy who simply abuses his wealth, money, power and good looks to take advantage of girls. I really disliked the movie. I am disppointed aobut how stupid the main character is. I mean common, she is a literature student. She can do better than him. I vow to never be blinded by a person's good looks. To always think about the futre when it comes to guys and to not have any time wasting, emotionally draining pointless relationships that lead to no where. My feelings are precious, are limited and are cherished only for people who truly deserve it. I will not be anyone's toy or anyone's submissive or pleasure. I am all in it fo rme. for a future. for a family. Not pointless stuff like this stupid movie which leads to no where.

Chilli powder

When I eat chilli powder, I fart like there's no tomorrow. I don't think there will be a tomorrow cause I have literally transformed into a fart machine. The stench is on. My room is filled with fumes and the heater is just billowing the pungent fumes throughout my little sanction. Good night. I am going to Geelong to do my hospital placements for three weeks. This will be my first time away from home. I will be leaving Sunday morning on Father's Day. I am excited as well as nervous. But mainly excited. Happy day happy day ~